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Posted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 6:41 am
by kayla
I didn't know what else to do, but since I see a lot of people suggesting that posting might help alleviate grief I thought I'd give it a try.

Toki passed three months ago, and I am not coping very well. Just a warning that what happened is terrible so please dont read on if you think it might make you uncomfortable. Please forgive how messy this post is I'm just very upset.
Toki was my baby, I have never ever felt so heartbroken in my life. I spent nearly every minute of every day with him, I brought him across the country with me, and I know how much he loved me by how all he ever wanted was to snuggle up on my shoulder, and how he always wanted to sleep cuddled up to my face at night, and would make it so difficult to get his fat little legs to step up because he was so stubborn when he wanted to stay with me. I never knew you could love something with all your heart until I got Toki!
The night after I moved into my new house, I put him in his big cage outside to get some fresh air while I unpacked my room to bring him in. I realised his cage was way too big to bring upstairs every night so I decided to go out and buy him a special cage to sleep in at night.
He was so happy that day, I kept checking on him, or just watching him singing and chatting so happily (he was just starting to talk, and very impressed with himself), and I thought I'd quickly run out, grab the cage and bring him inside in no time.
But I'd completely forgotten in all the chaos of moving that he'd learnt how to unlock his balcony door two days before, and when i came home witht he cage not 15 minutes later he was gone, I looked everywhere and eventually found him on the road, he'd managed to clear the high concrete fence, walked right onto the road and he'd been hit by a car and i just cant sleep at night for thinking about it. I'm so so so angry at myself and I'm so so SO sad for him. I've never felt so bad in my life and three months later I still feel absolutely devastated. I miss him so much and I feel like I let him down in the worst way.
Now that he's gone i feel so alone, he took up all of my time, if I was at home, Toki was on my shoulder, if I fell asleep i would wake up with Toki tangled up asleep in my hair. He was like a baby, and he's just suddenly gone and it's so horrible.

Sorry for the post I just didn't know where to go, I don't know many people who understand that these birds aren't just "pets". It's like losing your family, I thought Toki would be around forever and it just hurts.

I love you Toki, and I'll miss you forever.

Re: Toki

Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 4:46 am
by Little Buttercup
Hi Kayla, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I sympathise with you, I felt the same for many months after my baby left me. Also blamed myself for her death. But I don't think we should beat ourselves up like that, whatever happened has happened and we can't do anything to change it. And we can learn from our mistakes as well and avoid it in the future with our next birds. Maybe getting another 1 will make you feel better, maybe it won't. Everyone takes it differently. I made up my mind that I won't get another ringneck and no other bird would be able to replace my Buttercup, and I would still have been sitting now without a ringneck, had my brother not surprised me with a ringneck gift! Slowly I got over it and Kiwi is my life now.

Wishing you all the best.


Re: Toki

Posted: Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:02 am
by kayla
Hi Ash,

Thanks so much for your reply, it means so much, and I am so sorry you had to go through the same thing.
I am just at the stage where you were, there's a huge hole in my heart but I can't begin to consider replacing Toki.
Your brother did absolutely did the right thing to get you Kiwi, that love you had for Buttercup has to go somewhere, and it sounds like you're such a loving caretaker!
I'm so glad to hear you can & are healing. As sad as I feel, people like you give me hope.
Thank you :)

Re: Toki

Posted: Mon Nov 18, 2013 9:22 pm
by Little Buttercup
Hi Kayla,

I understand that 'huge hole', but its only 3 months for you, time will heal your heart. And yes no other can replace the one thats lost. I still have my lost babies toys, feathers etc. on my desk and a half chewed vine ball hanging on my bedroom window where she used to love hanging out. The sun is fading the colour out, but I left it untouched. I take comfort in the fact that I know she is in a better place and waiting for me.